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How to be a Boy: Riding Your Bike to School

When you ride your bike to school, you have to have a lock to keep it from getting stolen. So bring a lock with you, and don’t forget the key. Don’t put the key on any kind of key chain, just throw it in your backpack. I’m sure it will be there when you need it.

When, after two weeks of riding your bike to school, you lose your key, call your mom to come pick you up and get the spare key from that drawer in your dad’s dresser that holds spare change, spare business cards, spare parts, spare wristwatches and spare keys.
Listen to the lecture from your mom about using a key chain, always keeping your key in the same place, and being responsible. Say NO when she asks, “do we need to put it on a string around your neck?”
After 2 more weeks, lose the spare key.
Bonus – How to Be a Mom: Lecturing Your Son Who Lost his Last Bike Lock Key
“Well, I guess that’s it. I knew we shouldn’t have bought you such a nice bike. Why can’t you be responsible? Didn’t you have a key chain on that key? Didn’t you put the key in the same place in your backpack every day? I knew I should have made you wear it on a string around your neck. I guess your bike will have to stay at school forever now. And it’s supposed to rain this weekend. I think it’s starting to rain now.”
Extra Bonus – How to be a Dad: Cutting A U-Lock From Your Son’s Bike
Check with co-workers who will tell you about the Bic Pen trick. Look it up on YouTube. Come home and find a Bic Pen and spend 15 minutes trying to pry the end off. Drive over to the school with the Bic Pen.
Come back home, have dinner, then google how to really get a u-lock off a bike. Go to Home Depot. Purchase a converter kit for your drill that makes it into an angle grinder for $8. Go back to the school and try and cut the lock off the bike with the angle grinder and your cordless drill. When the drill battery dies, go back to Home Depot. Purchase a power converter that hooks up to the car battery to power your corded drill for $80. Go back to the school in the dark and cut off the lock.

How to be a Boy: Wrapping a Birthday Present

1. Wake your mother up at 6am and ask her where the wrapping paper is.

2. Measure how much wrapping paper you will need to wrap your gift, then triple that amount. Tear the wrapping paper from the roll. If you don’t tear straight, try tearing another piece of wrapping paper.

3. Barge in on your mom while she’s taking a shower. Yell over the sound of running water that you can’t find the tape. (She won’t be able to understand what you are saying.) Yell a few more things, then tell her to “never mind” (which she also won’t understand.)

4. Locate a stapler. Staple all the edges of the wrapping paper so that your gift will stay securely inside.

5. Leave the stapler on the floor where someone can step on it when they get out of the shower. Do not put away gift wrap. Make sure extra wrapping paper pieces that were too small get left on your mom’s bed, the kitchen floor, the stairs—anywhere but the garbage or recycling bins.

6. You’re finished!