How to be a Boy: Clothes Shopping with Mom

When your mom says she needs to buy you new clothes and asks you to go with her, your first response will naturally be a primal one: fight or flight. In an effort to save yourself, you might feel a rise in adrenaline. Maybe a sweat will start to break out as you look for the nearest exits. You might consider playing dead.
The bad news is you can’t get out of clothes shopping with your mom. The good news is there are a few strategies that when used correctly, just might make this clothes shopping trip the last one you ever have to go on.
Don’t Wear Socks
To avoid having to spend minutes trying on shoes you don’t really want anyway, simply don’t wear socks. Make sure you have long pants on so your mom can’t see you’re bare ankles. When your mom asks you to sit down and try on a pair of pinchy, fussy dress shoes, just kick off one of your sneakers and wait for her reaction. Trust me; it will almost make all this shopping torture worth it.
Insist on a Mom-free Dressing Room
Under no circumstances should you allow your mother in the dressing room with you. She will plead and beg and tell you she’s your mother for crying out loud, but do not give in. Even if she loudly proclaims that she used to wipe poop off your bare bottom and should be able to watch you try on a shirt and pants, hold firm. This little tactic will set you up perfectly for the next weapon in your arsenal.
Do Not Undress
Taking off your clothes is such a pain. Don’t do it. You should be able to get every article of clothing your mom wants you to try on over the stuff you are already wearing. Plus, when you open the dressing room door to show your mom how well the new button down dress shirt fits over the top of your Old Navy skull and crossbones t-shirt, the look on your mom’s face will almost make up for the poop-on-the-bare-bottom comment she made earlier.
Self-induced Nausea
If clothes shopping with your mom does not bring on the heaves, then having your nose in your iPod Touch/Nintendo DS/et al during the car ride to the store should do the trick. Don’t look up, whatever you do, and no cracking the window for fresh air. If you still don’t feel sick when you get to the store, bring your device with you into the store and keep your head down in concentration as you walk from department to department. As soon as you feel the least bit queasy, complain loudly and often that you feel like you’re going to throw up.
The trick is to make your mother as miserable about shopping with you as you are about shopping with her. If these tips don’t get you out of all future clothes shopping trips, it should be a long, long time before you are subjected to another.
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